WARNING: U.S. Health Alert Issued Earlier Today
The Federal Center for Disease Control issued a warning earlier today that an outbreak of Romnesia has been identified in several states and is spreading rapidly. All Americans are advised to remain calm, but to be alert for common symptoms, which include:
Rapidly shifting statements of your positions and beliefs
Shortness of memory
Discomfort with 47% of Americans
Absence of self-awareness
Additional Romnesia symptoms may include:
believing women dwell in binders; mistaking corporations for actual people; confusing your dog with your luggage; eagerness to randomly and casually make $10,000 bets; not knowing which of your houses your key unlocks; and believing $200,000 to $250,000 is middle-class income
At risk groups include:
women, seniors, students, the working class, immigrants, gays and lesbians, scientists and researchers, and the easily deceived
The risk to your health remains high.
This afternoon, President Obama issued an urgent statement to all Americans regarding Romnesia: (it's pretty funny!)
The FCDC reminds you to take all necessary precautions when you vote on Tuesday, November 6th in order to prevent Romnesia from reaching epidemic proportions.
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