Sunday, August 8, 2010

Truth or Satire? Tax cuts and American jobs

Dear America,

Please pay attention.  This is very important – at least to me.

I am a wealthy American – very wealthy.  My earnings are in the Top 2% of all Americans.  In fact, I earn anywhere from 10 to 10,000 times more than you do – every single year.  That means if you put 99 of us together in a room, I earn more than 98 of you.  I may even earn more than the 98 of you make, combined.  But that’s not a great example because it’s unlikely that you’d find us together in the same room – unless it’s on the factory floor of the company I own.  You know, the one you (used to) work for.

But never mind all that because I know math is complicated and that big numbers probably confuse you, so let me get to the point:  I think you should give me a tax break.  That’s right.  You see, according to my Republican friends, I’m more important to America than you are.  Sure, you toil and sweat and labor – probably at more than one job.  But I own the companies you toil at and, believe me, I’m entitled to keep every penny I make.

That’s because it costs a LOT of money to keep all my houses running and in tip-top shape.  And my private plane.  And my yacht.  It also costs a lot to host all the parties I throw every year.  You know – the ones where I invite the other 2% of America’s wealthiest people to attend.  Now, you might be saying that it’s not fair that people like you don’t get to attend.  But that’s not true because dozens of you do.  Some of you get to wait on our tables, manicure our gardens, comb our beaches, cook our meals, clean our homes – there’s a lot of opportunity to serve us and earn a living while tending to our chores.  That’s a pretty good deal – at least for lower-class, working Americans, like you.

But I’m not writing you to tell you what you already know.  I’m writing because it is very important that you do not allow the tax breaks that Republicans gave me and my wealthy friends 10 years ago, to expire this year as originally planned.  That would be just awful for me.  And, as my Republican friends have been telling you – if it’s awful for me, that means it will be awful for you.

Never mind the fact that lowering my taxes has absolutely zero impact on whether or not I hire new employees.  I mean, really!  Who comes up with this stuff?  Oh, yeah – I forgot.  It’s my Republican buddies.  C’mon, think about it for a minute.  If you owned my business instead of me, and the lower classes voted to pay more in taxes so you could keep more for yourself, would you really use all that extra money to hire new employees?

Duh!  Of course you wouldn’t.  The only reason you, as a business owner, would hire more employees is if there were MORE DEMAND for the products you manufacture or for the services you offer.  Talk about no-brainers!

So what creates more demand?  If you answered “more people who have the money to buy the goods and services business owners sell”, you get a gold star.

But my Republican friends have done a great job convincing you that the exact opposite is true.  They call it “trickle-down economics” or something ridiculous like that.  That’s so “official-sounding” that it must be true, huh?  Well, you didn’t hear this from me, but do you really think that America’s wealthiest 2% (like me) are going to spend $678 billion dollars ($678,000,000,000.00) into the economy simply because you give it to us as a gift?

Oh, I forgot.  You’re not as smart as the Republicans are.  Allow me to explain:  There’s 2 of me for every 98 of you.  I already have piles of money and I already own everything I could possibly want.  If you give me and my wealthy friends $678 billion dollars we might go out and buy a “few” more things, but we’d probably just put most of it in the bank or into tax-free investment shelters so our children and grandchildren can inherit it, tax-free, when we die.  At most, we might use it to buy another home or two.  (Come to think of it, that would create another dozen or so job opportunities for people like you, wouldn’t it?  Maybe my Republican friends are onto something.)

We sure as hell wouldn’t use it to hire a few million Americans at the businesses we own.  I mean, that’s laughable. Why would any business owner in their right mind spend their money to hire employees they don’t need?

However if you, and 98 out of every 100 Americans, had $678 billion dollars, you’d probably spend a significantly larger portion of it buying all sorts of things you really need – cars, homes, furniture, clothing, etc.  And if you were to spend all that money it would create a HUGE demand throughout the economy.  And do you know what that would do?  If you guessed that it would create the need for millions of new employees to manufacture, sell, deliver, install and service all those purchases you just made – you get another gold star.  The demand created by your significant spending would stimulate the economy and create more jobs than it would if you just gave the money to me and my wealthy friends.  It would probably even pull America out of this recession.  But, remember, you didn’t hear it from me.

You know, my good friend Sarah Palin would probably say:  “How’s that whole tax break thing workin’ out for ya, anyway?”  I don’t know about you, but it sure works great for me.  Thanks America.  You are definitely the land of opportunity – especially with the Republicans duping ordinary Americans into giving up more of their money so I can keep more of mine.

I don’t know how they do it, but I really admire how Sarah and her Republican friends can get you and other Americans to vote against your own best interests – and for theirs, instead.

That’s why I know I can trust you to do the right thing on November 2nd and vote for all the Republicans you can find – so I can keep my $678 billion dollar tax break right where it belongs – in my bank account.

Love you guys.  Keep up the good work.

America’s Wealthiest 2%

P.S. – Did you also notice that my Republican friends have been blocking almost all of the Democrats’ jobs and stimulus bills?  Yeah, they’ve been saying it’s bad for America’s debt to have more of you working . . . and paying taxes . . . and buying stuff . . . and generating demand . . . which creates additional new jobs.  What a hoot!  Instead, what they’re doing is forcing wages down so when the economy does finally pick up, I can hire you to work at my company for less than you made at the last place you worked.  Absolutely brilliant!  As my good friend Sarah Palin might say,  “How’s that whole salary and wage thing workin’ out for ya, anyway?”  (Oh yeah, did I tell you that the Republicans also tried to block the extension of your unemployment insurance, too?  How ironic!  Sorry, I forgot you probably don’t know what that word means.  It means something that’s really “good for you”.)

P.P.S. – Did I mention that the Republicans’ just allowed the companies I own to spend millions of dollars running misleading ads designed to distort the issues and to slander their Democratic opponents – so you’ll vote for more Republicans in November?  And more Republicans in office means less regulation for business owners (like me) and lower taxes for all 2% of us wealthy Americans.  That’s so ironic (“good for you”) because you and I both know that the Republicans’ real goal is to keep the economy in tatters until November (and possibly until the next Presidential election) so they can “prove” to you that the recession which began in 2007 under President George W. Bush and VP Dick Cheney was “really” caused by President Obama and the rest of the Democrats who weren’t sworn into office until 2009.

That’s why I love Republicans.  Don’t you?